I remember not having many toys in my childhood years. Perhaps I did, but they just left no impression on me. My parents are not the kind who would restrict their kids’ need for toys and entertainment, but they never really quite understood what I wanted, especially my mom. It was out of the question to ask Dad for any toys because he was always being busy when I was little, so he wouldn’t know what it was or have the time to go buy it. The only time I remember Dad personally buying a toy for me was Christmas when I was about five. Dad’s company would throw a big Christmas party and have their employees bring their kids along and they would get to sit on Santa’s lap and get a present. Obviously this was just a present that the parents bought and wrapped and secretly put it in the stack for Santa to distribute. Secretly. But none of that was a secret for me.
The day this Christmas party came, I remember getting quite excited and dressing up in a little red dress - it was the cutest dress I had. We were on the way to Dad’s work place when Dad stopped the motorbike in front of a toy store. He told me a few minutes earlier that we would stop and get something I liked for the party. I really thought it was a joke, and it wasn’t. I was five years old, and even though I never really believed in Santa Claus, a part of my childhood chipped away in that moment. Dad didn’t even try to hide it or to trick me into thinking this toy wasn’t going to me in less than an hour. Until this day I still don’t understand my Dad’s logic in that. Did he think I was big enough or smart enough to realize that Santa wasn’t real? Why didn’t he just skip the present giving part all together? Did he not want to look bad in front of his co-workers or did he want me to have a toy I wanted but didn’t have time to get one? A little part of me believes that he really didn’t have a clue about what I liked, and thought it’s best to let me choose something myself.
It’s the most powerful and destructive two-sided sword that Dad’s given me at an age so young - freedom. Freedom has given me the strength and the determination to leave home at the age of 15, but freedom also has stripped my Mom and Dad the right to be my full-time parents. All I need to do is mute the messages or ignore the calls when I don’t feel like being parented. And at times like that, all they can do is to wait it out until my hot-headed self calms down and is ready to listen. Freedom is the greatest gift Dad ever gave me, and there’s no chance of taking that back.
Anyway, I chose little wooden cube toys which were made for a toddler when I was five. And for some reason it was one of the few toys I remember playing with, perhaps because it’s the only one my Dad gave me that I can remember.
Previous post Next post